1

Sorry I can't come

my nephew

just shit the bed.

2

Please forgive my absence

the ghost of Hitler

died in front of me.

3

This is going to sound crazy but

the Pope

won't stop telling me knock knock jokes.

4

Get this:

my ex

is having a nervous breakdown.

5

I can't go because

a high school marching band

gave me syphilis.

6

I know you're going to hate me but

Dan Rather

poured lemonade in my gas tank.

7

I was minding my own business and boom!

a sad clown

stabbed me.

8

I feel terrible but

the kid from Air Bud

found my box of human teeth.

9

I regretfully cannot attend,

a professional cricket team

stole my bicycle.

10

This is going to sound like an excuse but

my Tinder date

posted my nudes on Instagram.