Entries on this table were taken from The Toast's "How To Tell If You Are In A Novel" series. Normally I try very hard to ensure everything on a table is consistent within a given genre. I didn't bother here. Adapt as needed.
d500 | Result |
---|---|
1 |
You spy on people through keyholes and get exactly what you deserve. |
2 |
You have been rejected on your wedding night. |
3 |
You get made fun of sometimes. It’s hurtful, and you’d do almost anything to teach your tormentors a lesson. Almost. |
4 |
You have committed several murders, yet somehow you are also the sanest and most sympathetic person you know. |
5 |
You have earned the personal ire of a Witch-king. This ends poorly for you, and everyone in your country. |
6 |
Your love has been soiled, and the object symbolizing it tainted, quite tainted! |
7 |
Everyone is relieved to learn that your boyfriend is not secretly your brother. He’s not even your cousin. Whew. |
8 |
You are a woman who has been described as any of the following: spirited, willful, indifferent, aloof, or outdoorsy. |
9 |
You are an unusually supportive roommate with a knack for springing surprise kisses at the worst possible moment. |
10 |
You flippantly rejected the romantic proposal of a nice man who had done a lot for you. |
11 |
You are beginning to suspect—oh, but it is impossible to believe!—that your twin is not dead at all! |
12 |
Your name alliterates with your father’s, your brothers’, and all your immediate male relatives’. |
13 |
You find that you are never too busy to tell complete strangers about your all-consuming plans for revenge. |
14 |
You have left many men crying. |
15 |
Your best friend is decades older than you and mildly forlorn. |
16 |
Right now you’re busy getting dressed for a party to which you were pointedly not invited. |
17 |
You are the last survivor of your people. |
18 |
Your pure and radiant beauty is the worst thing that has ever happened to you. |
19 |
Everyone in the neighborhood, including your mother, has ranked you and your sisters in order of hotness. |
20 |
Your only friend is a prostitute with a terrible wracking cough, and you have never had anything to eat even once. |
21 |
A woman who is not your mother treats you like her own daughter. Your actual mother is dead or ridiculous. |
22 |
Occasionally you and your romantic interest go dance in a field with some villagers. |
23 |
Your closest companion is a pet lamb named Miranda that you bring with you to church and to bed. |
24 |
You are in love with an earnest, loyal young man who adores you, so you’ve decided to marry a dissolute cad. |
25 |
You can tell magical creatures apart by their distinctive speech patterns. |
26 |
You can assign fearsome properties to even the most mundane objects. |
27 |
You are frequently and hilariously confused by homophones. |
28 |
The most prominent pieces of furniture in your home are a fainting couch and a large vase of half dead ferns. |
29 |
An adventure has gone poorly and you and your siblings are once again stuck underground. |
30 |
The leading cause of death in your country is dragons. The second leading cause of death is ennui. |
31 |
You hate everyone, except for one woman you are incredibly attracted to. She hates you. |
32 |
You and your siblings have again endangered the family baby. |
33 |
You befriend a band of charming and loyal pirates. |
34 |
Every time you see an unfamiliar place—particularly a dark, dank one—you feel the need to explore it. |
35 |
You’re just drunk enough to tell the truth, and she’s just drunk enough to like it. |
36 |
You have a secret, potentially scandalous alter-ego, such as authoress of smutty literature or highwayman. |
37 |
It does not surprise you when animals can talk. It surprises you when they have something sensible to say. |
38 |
The sight of gigantic bugs stealing children barely turns your head these days. |
39 |
You once tried to have sex with a panther. |
40 |
You are a wizard and practice magic. Even tourists who do not speak your language know how this will end: badly for you. |
41 |
Your ancestors are all somewhat more alive than usual. |
42 |
You once did a kind thing. Someone knows, but will never reveal it. |
43 |
You love the girl too much to marry her. Ironical, no? |
44 |
You and your husband are having separate affairs and it’s very pragmatic. |
45 |
There are three men in your life: one true love, one tempting but rakish acquaintance, and a third distant possibility. |
46 |
You are offered a place at university but you don’t show up because you are too ashamed of your boots. |
47 |
At least half of the people you know are mad. If you are not yet mad yourself, you are probably well on your way. |
48 |
You are wan. So very wan. |
49 |
Your past always comes back to haunt you. Also, maybe, a ghost. |
50 |
There’s a man in the bed next to you, but at least he’s dead, so you don’t have to worry about making small talk. |
51 |
There are but two forms of criminal justice in your town: capital punishment, or a public scolding from the Duke. |
52 |
A foreign king takes you into his service, but does not take you seriously. |
53 |
You are a younger brother who stands to inherit nothing. |
54 |
You long to go on an adventure, but only so long as the adventure is not in any way uncomfortable or inconvenient. |
55 |
You and your twenty or so best friends all want to marry the same man. This causes you no problems whatsoever. |
56 |
A girl you have only just met tells you a secret, and you despise her for it. |
57 |
You are a man. Complicated historical forces have forced you into a marginalized life, possibly one of inadvertent crime. |
58 |
You have developed a tortured, nihilistic philosophy all your own over the course of your years at sea. It is terrible. |
59 |
A man proposes to you, then to another, lesser woman when you politely spurn him. This delights you to no end. |
60 |
Three and a half hours seems like a totally reasonable time to tell a story. |
61 |
All you can think about is how goddamn insufferable your presence must be for other people. |
62 |
You can transmute love, ignore it, muddle it, but you can never pull it out of you. |
63 |
You greatly enjoyed spending time in the city with your aunt, who was of dubious morality. |
64 |
You feel the need to prove something. |
65 |
Your parents are alive, and are preventing you from getting married. You are heartbroken. |
66 |
The man you might be divorced from comes back, and you go to bed with him. It’s hot until it’s not, so you kick him out. |
67 |
You are a woman, and no good to anybody. |
68 |
Your mysterious boyfriend proves to you that you can trust him by taking on your appearance. |
69 |
Life is but a series of increasingly dramatic decisions made in the rain. |
70 |
Your hair is parted in the middle and braided in a childish style that belies your wickedness. |
71 |
All of your happiest childhood memories include your mother convulsively crying. |
72 |
You are beginning to suspect that your twin is posing as you about town and exchanging love-tokens with your betrothed. |
73 |
You went to a place once. Decades later, you return under very different circumstances. |
74 |
You have no real friends, only rivals masquerading as friends who want to steal your lover. |
75 |
You have always hated her laugh, high and reedy and boisterous and throbbing with panic. |
76 |
Your parents were really hoping for a son instead of a daughter, which is why they named you Brucey. |
77 |
You are in love with a beautiful woman with white hands. She cries all the time. |
78 |
You are a man. If you’re a woman, you are the love interest of the man, and you are dead. |
79 |
You are somehow renowned for your prowess in battle. |
80 |
You may live in a ridiculous world full of lies, but you hold fast to the important lies of fairness, mercy, and human dignity. |
81 |
You are geographically separated from your spouse, so you may as well sit in a hole until you can be together again. |
82 |
Ever since you returned from the North, you take enormous pride in being both unmarried and ugly. |
83 |
You never tell anyone anything. |
84 |
You have tried to kill yourself, and you have been stymied in the attempt. |
85 |
You’re wearing an expensive coat that your wife paid for. You hate her for it. |
86 |
You are so over your new husband. |
87 |
You are the disappointing son of a cold-hearted woman with thick arms. |
88 |
Your father and mother have died at least once in the last year. |
89 |
All the animals you know are underfed, black, and vaguely eldritch. They all hate you. |
90 |
You have in your possession an envelope of negatives that, if made public, could ruin the rising career of a young starlet. |
91 |
You have never danced, not even once, not even in your dreams. |
92 |
You lost a hand while escaping from the realm of the Enemy. |
93 |
You have been gut-punched within the last 24 hours. You still feel it in your teeth. |
94 |
There was a traumatic event in your childhood involving beach caves. |
95 |
You successfully defend yourself against accusations of having slept with your lord’s wife. |
96 |
You receive word that an old friend is coming to visit. You suspect it’s out of spite, and sneeze voluptuously. |
97 |
For the first time in your life, you’re not rich and it feels utterly exotic. |
98 |
There are 14 women in your life you call “auntie” and you’re not sure if any of them is actually your Aunt. |
99 |
You speak slightly more kindly to people below your station than is strictly necessary. |
100 |
You’ve just been hit in the face. You wake up alone, in the dark. It was a lousy party anyhow, you were ready to leave. |
101 |
You have sinned, and sinned greatly in the eyes of the world, out of a most desperate love. |
102 |
No one understands your suffering. It is unclear whether you are in need of a lord or the Lord. |
103 |
You have an incredible amount of homoerotic tension with a beautiful knight. |
104 |
You join the priesthood to get over your ex, and end up having sex with her in a church. |
105 |
You buy the rumour that your best friend is able to prevent pregnancy through sheer force of will. |
106 |
You have interrupted a game of wist to introduce the players to your ward. |
107 |
You spy on a charming and beautiful lady in her bedchamber. She coughs. You take this as a sign of her devotion to you. |
108 |
You love to talk of nothing. It is the only thing you know anything about. |
109 |
You have kept a secret from your daughter that explains her entire life. She dies. |
110 |
You recently remodeled something. |
111 |
You speak in dialect when you want to connect with your childhood friends, but every word sounds false. |
112 |
To you the air here always smells sweet, like honeysuckle and impurity. |
113 |
You were exceedingly clever once, but unfortunately none of your friends noticed. |
114 |
You have murdered a magical dog for the crime of making you happy. |
115 |
After careful consideration, you have decided not to become a Dark Lord. |
116 |
Despite having less sexual experience than a house fern, you fall into throes of ecstasy at your first encounter. |
117 |
You are young, though you find yourself growing up very quickly. |
118 |
You are forced to leave your home and journey in search of something, you know not what. |
119 |
The Devil seems like a perfectly reasonable person to ask for advice. |
120 |
You are about to break your marriage vows for someone you know to be unworthy of you. |
121 |
You never walk. You trudge, lumber, plod, or slog, but you never walk. |
122 |
Every time you see your neighbors, the encounters decrease in friendliness and increase in dark foreboding. |
123 |
Your only quirk is your pierced ears, which you allowed yourself to get after you got engaged. |
124 |
You know your best friend has stopped caring for you, indeed if she ever did. |
125 |
A strange man comes to you and asks you to find a sheep, or a woman calls and asks for ten minutes of your time. |
126 |
The most genuinely charming male of your acquaintance is actually a woman. |
127 |
Your mother is younger than you, or at least appears to be so? |
128 |
Your life is a daily reminder that success and survival belong to the deeply unpleasant. |
129 |
You have been pronounced a social success by the greatest bitch in Paris. |
130 |
Your martyrdom doesn’t go as planned. |
131 |
You’re a woman of about thirty years of age who is still beautiful. |
132 |
You’ve been sitting in this tavern for hours hoping no one notices your clothes are covered in blood. |
133 |
Somebody you have never met has been nursing a grudge against you for years. |
134 |
Your younger neighbor is drunk and advising you to marry for money. |
135 |
A woman in an absurd hat is being an absolute bitch to you, there is nothing you can do about it. |
136 |
You have lost track of your twin again. |
137 |
Conveniently, your ex-lover looks enough like his sister that you can transfer your flirtations to her. |
138 |
Your only relief is that your father and mother never lived long enough to see you fall so short of your early promise. |
139 |
You have a terrible secret. The man you love has an even more terrible secret. |
140 |
A mountain is out to get you. |
141 |
Your fondest family memories involve the moors, and the faintest sense of dread. |
142 |
You wed your husband alongside four other women and their beloveds in a modest quintuple wedding. |
143 |
Your friends are fighting for liberty and likely to die. |
144 |
At least once each day you stop in a stairwell to clutch the banister and cry out, “My god, how loathsome it all is!” |
145 |
You see little blue men. You haven’t been drinking. They are happy to change that for you. |
146 |
You are having an affair with a married man. His sister knows, and hates you. |
147 |
Your friend picks up the handkerchief that your lady has dropped. You demand retribution for this act of betrayal. |
148 |
Everything in your life hinges on a legal trick. |
149 |
Your fate was determined by a nursemaid with an unaccountably grand flair for the dramatic. |
150 |
Someone you have just met is dying for absolutely no reason. |
151 |
You are a beautiful young woman with flashing eyes about to send your lover a terrible letter. |
152 |
Everyone looks at you in judgment and scorn. |
153 |
You allow your daughter to become educated, and this causes great trouble for everybody. |
154 |
You have been careless with something priceless—your heart. |
155 |
You are an older woman with not just a past, but several. |
156 |
You once fulfilled an ancient prophecy and overturned gender expectations at the same time. |
157 |
If anyone hates you, it’s only because you’re so beautiful. And you can’t help it if you’re beautiful. |
158 |
You have a friend who is your complete opposite. If you are quiet and insightful, they are bold and brash. |
159 |
You are polite to the point of idiocy, your brother is boorish to the point of brutality. |
160 |
A grizzled old priest tunnels into your jail cell and spends eight years teaching you the finer points of political philosophy. |
161 |
You have just swept someone a magnificent, yet insolent, leg. |
162 |
If you are an adult, you’re most likely a phony, and your intelligence cannot compare to that of your younger peers. |
163 |
No matter how bad things get, you can always rely on the fact that no one you know will ever offer to help you. |
164 |
There’s a woman you’d like to sleep with, so you decide to tell her an off-putting story about murder, castration, or bestiality. |
165 |
Your best friend is a notorious flirt and not as pretty as you. |
166 |
Your father's character flaws lead to you becoming betrothed to a man you’ve never met. |
167 |
Your nephew is emasculatingly thin, and probably a murderer. |
168 |
It isn’t possible to love and to part, though you wish that it was. |
169 |
There is a secret in your family, that if you were to find it out, the shock would kill you. |
170 |
You discover that you have been flirting with your own brother and think, eh. I could do worse. |
171 |
Much of your time is spent writing long, abusive letters to people you love from places you hate. |
172 |
You have a pet that has, at least once, turned into a human being. |
173 |
You are a woman and at the age of fifteen, the consciousness of your beauty bursts upon you in a sudden instant. |
174 |
Once, you had some illusions about the world, but now they are lost. |
175 |
A man once taught you how to love by beating you gently with his calloused hands. Now he is dead. |
176 |
Your wardrobe is made entirely out of silk, especially your shoes. |
177 |
You are over 75 and you hate every person you’ve ever met, or else you’re 14 and you’ve just seen something horrible. |
178 |
You will believe literally anything written in a letter. |
179 |
A disrespectful maiden becomes your only friend after you kill the man who killed her first boyfriend. |
180 |
You suspect your twin is lost at sea. |
181 |
Your sister is homely and it pleases you. |
182 |
If you ever take to living as you play piano, it will be very exciting indeed. |
183 |
The word that best applies to you is scrappy, never, not once, have you given up on someone or something without a fight. |
184 |
You like to wear a red hunting hat, but you tend to remove it around people you know. |
185 |
You have two first names with an absolute maximum of four syllables. |
186 |
People always make fun of your hair. |
187 |
Your feelings about peasants are warm, passionate, and a little condescending. |
188 |
There is a 50% chance you are married because someone’s father died. |
189 |
A beautiful and shallow woman that you hate is your best friend for reasons you cannot explain. |
190 |
An old-timer has given you advice, you did not take it. |
191 |
You could be cast as a tree nymph in a play about Greek mythology. |
192 |
A number of better-established people went way out of their way to help you. You did not show appropriate gratitude. |
193 |
You’re always starting things that you can’t seem to finish. |
194 |
You have a favorite cow. |
195 |
You are a victim of erotolepsy and have been ensnared in a marriage not of your choosing by a manipulative scoundrel. |
196 |
A shocking marriage of convenience takes place within your social circle. |
197 |
You’ve often laughed out of indifference, contempt, or spite, but not once out of joy. |
198 |
You have had bottles of wine opened with a sword for him more than three times. |
199 |
You are amazed to discover your long-lost brother in an unruly mob, but he does not want you to recognize him. |
200 |
Your deepest secret is already known by the one person you are most invested in keeping it from. |
201 |
You are blind in one eye. Just to be safe, you have killed everyone. |
202 |
Your patience is wearing thinner than your mustache. |
203 |
If only someone would die, you’d get everything you’ve ever wanted. |
204 |
You’re having an affair and it’s terrible. |
205 |
Everyone you hate understands you perfectly. |
206 |
If you had to pick your greatest skill, it would probably be lying. |
207 |
Most of your problems have probably been caused by prideful boasting or Vikings. |
208 |
It’s not that wouldn’t murder your wife—it’s just that you wouldn’t bludgeon her with a statue. |
209 |
You keep a photo on your mantel that proves your guilt in a capital crime. |
210 |
You are crippled by gambling debts, but that hasn’t stopped you from spending every penny you have buying brandy. |
211 |
Someone is describing a horrific injury in immense detail, and you are delighted. |
212 |
You fell down the stairs, dramatically. |
213 |
You are either ruddy, stout, or flint-eyed. |
214 |
The further south you go, the more firmly the North becomes fixed in your heart. |
215 |
You long to escape to the seaside. |
216 |
You feel you must prove your worth by stabbing something terrifying. |
217 |
You remain chaste throughout a series of tribulations and are rewarded with a husband whom you have never met. |
218 |
A man confuses your expression in the middle of an argument for that of an expression of love. Later, you marry him. |
219 |
You are indifferent to the murder you’ve just committed. |
220 |
You’ve run out of wine. |
221 |
You could not succeed in seducing your maid if your life depended on it. |
222 |
You have literally run off with a goat. |
223 |
You tend to dismiss odd noises, prophetic ramblings of mad men, and the death of small animals en masse with a shrug. |
224 |
You’ve become so worried about The Great Schism that you’ve developed brain fever. |
225 |
The adults in your life keep information about you, your family, and your current circumstances a secret from you. |
226 |
You have nothing more than a passing interest in the paranormal. And why would you? |
227 |
You had a best friend once. Now they are your greatest rival. |
228 |
You are the beautiful only daughter of an invalid. |
229 |
You have big dreams, but no skills to speak of. |
230 |
You are an incorrigible womanize. You are squandering your sizeable inheritance on loose women and card tables. |
231 |
You have a dream vision. There is absolutely no symbolism involved. |
232 |
You are an unusually helpful lady-in-waiting. Your gaze lingers for no appreciable reason. |
233 |
You are blackmailing a powerful but shady man. |
234 |
You chew at your lip to show you are full of thought or lust. |
235 |
Your father is absolutely terrible with money. No one has ever told him this. |
236 |
You tend to ramble and have a habit of painstakingly describing everything and everyone around you. |
237 |
No matter how many life-threatening situations you find yourself thrust into, you refuse to change your behavior. |
238 |
A wizard has roped you into a quest because one of your ancestors invented golf. |
239 |
You have forsworn your life of piracy for an unreciprocated romantic friendship with a tender lord. |
240 |
You went to the beach once and now you can’t stop thinking about the Sea. |
241 |
The current feud in which you are embroiled seems likely to be resolved by prodding a blindfolded horse off a cliff. |
242 |
There is lace at your throat and wrists and disdain in your eyes and heart. |
243 |
You love a prostitute with your whole heart but you respect her too much to touch her, talk to her, or learn her name. |
244 |
You stand at the extreme verge of gentility. |
245 |
In this random and absurd world, your only consolations are sex, philosophy, and puns. |
246 |
You have shed aliases like the layers of an onion. |
247 |
Shadows make you anxious, and you avoid them just in case they are concealing someone who means you ill. |
248 |
Someone is crushing your spirit. You try as hard as you can not to inconvenience them while they do it. |
249 |
You are a beautiful, demure widow. |
250 |
For the last several years, you have been pretending to be blind and/or deaf in order to cause pain to a woman in your life. |
251 |
You are ridiculously talented at one very specific thing. |
252 |
You change your name and grow some facial hair– you are now unrecognizable to all your old friends and acquaintances. |
253 |
The magistrate’s daughter is promised to another. You despair. |
254 |
You once did a terrible thing. Someone knows, but will not reveal it. |
255 |
Your enemy has made a miniature wood-carving of you being sodomized and nobody asks him why. |
256 |
You were weak once, long ago, in a land where the sun shone. Now everyone you know is dead. |
257 |
You are a woman and a young man declares his interest in you by staring at you in a public place. You find this charming. |
258 |
Chances are good that you were poor, abandoned, or suffered a devastating loss in your childhood. Maybe all three. |
259 |
You self-identify as a henchman. |
260 |
All of your pets seem to hate you. |
261 |
Someone trusted you to post a letter that may or may not contain high treason. |
262 |
If only there were some way – some hope – if only someday you might forget! |
263 |
You had to learn the hard way not to follow the lights in the marsh. |
264 |
You come from great wealth, but it doesn’t help the ennui. |
265 |
You have one friend. He is thirty years old and does business with your father and you are going to marry him someday. |
266 |
You are supposed to be some sort of Asian, you think, and this fact makes everyone just a little bit uncomfortable. |
267 |
You are being pursued by a bear. |
268 |
You created a mythology around your family that was three parts exaggeration and one part straight up lies. |
269 |
Someone you know has died in a tragic and semi-ironic manner that was so very appropriate to their personality. |
270 |
The people of your house are dead and you are living a desperate existence as an outlaw. |
271 |
Woe betide anyone who tries to fuck with your ponies. |
272 |
Your married girlfriend gave you a dead bird as a token of her neverending love for you. You carry it with you always. |
273 |
You are the beloved of many shepherdesses. |
274 |
You deliver both insults and speeches exclusively in tight alliterative verse. |
275 |
God’s grace descended upon you once, in the form of an gigantic, murderous war eagle. |
276 |
The ladies who had once closed their ranks to you on suspicion of your base birth now rush to celebrate you. |
277 |
You are poor now. So very poor. |
278 |
No one at this decadent court suspects you of being what you really are – sincere. |
279 |
Someone disagreeable tries to persuade you to join a game of cards. |
280 |
You have escaped disaster, and things have for the most part ended well, and yet you cannot shake a sense of dread. |
281 |
You’re kind of a paranoiac in reverse — you suspect people are plotting to make you happy. |
282 |
You plan to treat the injuries with nothing but a rag soaked in vinegar and water. |
283 |
Your mother has taken a false name and hidden herself from you. You will never question or complain about this decision. |
284 |
You are indentured to a temperamental sorcerer. |
285 |
You have between two and four siblings with whom you get into jolly and/or dreadful scrapes. They all love eating buns. |
286 |
You have an encyclopedic knowledge of the local seabirds because they are your only companions. |
287 |
You don’t know where this sidekick came from, but you suppose you’ll keep them around. |
288 |
You are being chided by a magical bird. |
289 |
Important events in your life are always preceded by a storm, or at least a stiff wind. |
290 |
You don’t have gout but could probably get it in a week if you wanted to. |
291 |
You don’t get lucky a lot, although people are constantly hugging you from behind. |
292 |
At least one of your front teeth is missing, and you think you look marvelous. |
293 |
You have an enemy who claims to love you. You are competent at embroidering, but not accomplished. |
294 |
You are a young woman who’s not shy about displaying her intellectual gifts or her perky breasts. |
295 |
You have committed many wasteful murders to cover your tracks. |
296 |
You are a blonde who is neither icy nor languid, which makes you unclassifiable. |
297 |
You say something arch yet generous about another woman both younger and richer than you. |
298 |
You have a habit of painstakingly describing the outfits of everyone around you. |
299 |
She’s dead now, of course. Isn’t she? Isn’t she? |
300 |
You have a maiden aunt who despairs of you. You have a gaggle of sisters of marriageable age and they are all silly. |
301 |
You are abroad. The landscape speaks to you in a way that none of the people do. |
302 |
Everyone agrees that your best friend is a wicked, but remarkable woman. Only you know just how wicked. |
303 |
You are young, yet you know one thing, if you know anything: dragons are dicks. |
304 |
You have hastily married someone you know to be unworthy of you. |
305 |
You brought your sword and chainmail shirt to a swimming contest. They came in handy. |
306 |
You are caught in a storm and contract a violent head-cold. |
307 |
Your father is only capable of showing his love for you through fiery murder-suicide attempts. |
308 |
Nothing has ever happened to you except one thing, decades ago. |
309 |
You are a skeptic, and there is literally no justification for this. |
310 |
You have strong opinions about rainscald. |
311 |
Your survival hinges on the arrangement of poorly-maintained paths through a remote swamp. |
312 |
Your boyish charm and feminine hips have attracted the attention of a wealthy woman and/or a homosexual criminal. |
313 |
The love of your life has never once told you the truth, either about his intentions or his identity. |
314 |
You are a lady novelist who travels by yourself. |
315 |
Your childhood best friend is an emotionally unstable liar. |
316 |
You are enduring secondhand heartbreak, which is the best kind of heartbreak. |
317 |
You have been betrayed by a base chamberlain. |
318 |
A wealthy and influential harridan disapproves of you and makes sure everyone within earshot knows it. |
319 |
You’re a shriveled up old maid and you are evil. |
320 |
Everyone in the world except for you is sexually repressed. This is the root cause of at least half of your problems. |
321 |
You feel an unnameable, shameful aversion to your mother, whose limping gait you are afraid you will come to adopt. |
322 |
An older woman pines for you. |
323 |
Someone you know has fallen ill. Not melodramatically ill, just interestingly so. |
324 |
Your husband has violated the strict moral code around which you have organized your life. |
325 |
You’re only seventeen, but the right side of your head is covered in millions of little gray hairs. |
326 |
Everybody in town knows more about your family history than you do. |
327 |
You are a successful playwright in the prime of his life. Naturally, women love it when you mansplain to them. |
328 |
You would seriously never kiss anyone if not for your clumsiness/bad luck/generally poor sense of direction. |
329 |
You strike a bargain with an impossibly malevolent spider demon. This ends poorly for you. |
330 |
Your father is hilariously witty, but prone to frightening rages. |
331 |
You think nothing of contracting inheritable life debts with villains. |
332 |
Though history may deem you a nobody, you are acquainted with everybody who’s anybody. |
333 |
Gentlemen are always falling prey to the irresistible way in which you arrange your skirts. |
334 |
You can no longer delight in any of life’s joys, not even whores. |
335 |
You are a pagan, and this is very sad. |
336 |
You are slightly less posh than the family you married into. |
337 |
It is easy for you to sympathize at a distance. |
338 |
She wanted you to love her more than you loved that first drink in the morning and so she had to go. |
339 |
You walk home with a man you have only known for six months from church and catch a cold as a result of your moral laxity. |
340 |
You are a political man engaged in a rather complicated relationship with your much older mentor. |
341 |
You will never escape your childhood. |
342 |
Your name is Derace, Orfamay, Moose, or Rusty, but you’ve asked to please be called Steelgrave. |
343 |
Your “Pre-Pubescent Boy” disguise is having the unnerving effect of attracting many ladies. |
344 |
You’ve been standing in the snow for hours now, just waiting to say something really cutting to a bureaucrat. |
345 |
The only thing you really know about life is that, no matter the meaning of the next, love is the meaning of this one. |
346 |
Your exhaustive knowledge of whimsical riddles has saved your life on multiple occasions. |
347 |
You are not an orphan, but have just said that you are to a man who is altogether too interested in this fact. |
348 |
In a dirty business, you have kept your hands clean. Almost. |
349 |
You’d murder your father without blinking an eye, but you’re moved to tears by the sight of a peasant boy kicking a horse. |
350 |
All the ingenues at court are simply wild about you. You could not be more indifferent. Also, your name is Hugh. |
351 |
Everyone you have ever loved, been related to, or looked at flirtatiously during the summer parliament has died in a feud. |
352 |
You have one dream, and it is very small, and everyone around you wants to crush it. |
353 |
What man will ever marry you now that you’ve cast your virtue away on the transitory caresses of a rake? |
354 |
You comb your hair publicly. |
355 |
Your mother and father are both alive, but you keep thinking of them in the past tense. |
356 |
You’re having an affair and your husband throws a dead bird at you, bloodying your breasts, to let you know that he knows. |
357 |
You are either a virgin or a sad and lovely widow whose husband was lost at sea. You are spirited, but still passing ladylike. |
358 |
In your youth, you had one bosom friend. You devote the better part of your adult life to making him miserable. |
359 |
An improbable plot device leads to you sharing a bed with a rogue. |
360 |
Your wife and your mistress have either never met, or they are best friends. |
361 |
You are a human being that has, at least once, turned into a pet. |
362 |
Groups of children unnerve you in a way you cannot define. |
363 |
You find the sun disappointing and the moon insipid. When you were young, the world was lit only by the stars. |
364 |
Your mother is ever so slightly insane. |
365 |
You have managed to convince your husband you were not cheating on him by showing him a bathtub. |
366 |
You think you have had a revelation. In reality, you have gotten yourself in a muddle, and later it makes you miserable. |
367 |
You thought you were the cat in this particular game, in fact you have always been the mouse. |
368 |
You are driven by a single, indiscernible desire. |
369 |
You are a man. You have soft hands, and you went to college, and you are useless. |
370 |
You dream of a contemplative life in a monastery. |
371 |
You sleep feverishly or not at all. |
372 |
Your headstrong offspring refuses to obey you. You despair. |
373 |
No fewer than five different shamans have uttered prophecies about each member of your complicated love polygon. |
374 |
You are relieved when your husband announces he is leaving you, but this relief is too inconsequential to speak of. |
375 |
You have made out with a handkerchief belonging to an old man. |
376 |
You can only fall in love at the command of a dying deer. |
377 |
You’ve seen a ghost once or twice, but neither time were you particularly impressed. |
378 |
An elderly woman, known for her second-sight, gives you specific instructions to avoid being murdered. |
379 |
You’re having an affair and it’s wonderful. |
380 |
You have become exceedingly ashamed of what your conduct has been. |
381 |
The only thing flashing more violently than the diamond pin on your lavender greatcoat are your eyes! |
382 |
You have been left alone to face social consequences despite your intrinsic goodness. |
383 |
You don’t believe her story or her money, but you believe those legs. |
384 |
You attempt to befriend someone slightly above or slightly below your social station and are soundly punished for it. |
385 |
You’ve met an aristocrat who is about to change everything for you. |
386 |
You have no legs and your name is alliterative. |
387 |
There’s a woman in the room that you trust about as far as you’d trust a snake. But like all snakes, she can be charmed. |
388 |
A fever has led you to believe you are married to your cousin, who may or may not be trying to poison you. |
389 |
Your hat is tilted at a particular angle that suggests both your fastidiousness and duplicity. |
390 |
To your deep shame and embarrassment, you — in your youth — played the viola. |
391 |
A grove of trees reminds you of the woman you love. |
392 |
Something dreadful happened at the rest stop. |
393 |
Olives and wax: you never go anywhere without ’em. |
394 |
You are a powerful but shady man being blackmailed. |
395 |
If someone upsets you during a meal, you slide silently to the floor and remain under the table. |
396 |
You speak in cryptic sentence fragments whenever the need arises. |
397 |
You go wandering somewhere very cold, and almost freeze to death, but are saved by the arrival of a crew of explorers. |
398 |
You have always wanted to meet elves, and when you finally do, they are intolerably silly. |
399 |
Your greatest joy is exchanging barbs with the Steward. |
400 |
You are a horribly disfigured man with a vendetta against society. |
401 |
You spend hours ranting about how the fairer sex cannot be trusted, yet you have never been faithful to anyone. |
402 |
So you met your soul mate at age ten, who doesn’t? |
403 |
You never fall in love. Do you have any idea how rare this is? |
404 |
There is scandalous gossip about you. All of it is true. |
405 |
Your entire family is stunningly average, aside from one eccentric relative who’s always up to something kooky. |
406 |
You paid dearly for your laceratingly funny insult to a powerful man. |
407 |
A Dark Lord fancies your jewelry. |
408 |
You spent hours in the chicken house learning to do an exact imitation of a hen’s expression when it lays an egg. |
409 |
A charming man attempts to flirt with you. This is terrible. |
410 |
You are very happy, but there is a fearful trembling in the ground and in your heart. |
411 |
You are incredibly good at describing any room you are currently in. You do not know how to describe emotions. |
412 |
The highest compliment you can pay a woman is to not sleep with her. |
413 |
Your mother was a fairy, or dead, or had a magic ring, or French, or a lion some of the time, or something. |
414 |
You can’t shake your inherent distrust of inanimate objects. You have your reasons. |
415 |
You have enraged a family of wizards, who like to stand on your roof and sing all night. |
416 |
Shrill violins do not bother you. |
417 |
You have angered a tree. This ends poorly for you. |
418 |
Your gaze is like the driving rain: hard and unyielding, chilly and bitter, and probably liable to cause consumption. |
419 |
You have a very muted reaction to losing your limbs. |
420 |
Your younger sibling is a real thorn in your side, but secretly, you value them above all else. |
421 |
You and your cousins once beat a man to death over a piece of driftwood. |
422 |
Your greatest wish is to someday see the ocean or have a pair of shoes you can call your very own. |
423 |
You never kiss the women you trust, and vice versa. |
424 |
You twirl your mustache disdainfully, enchanted by your own wit. |
425 |
A chance meeting with a noble stranger has destabilized your conception of the world. |
426 |
You make a terrible decision, fueled by the effects of alcohol, that casts an unremitting pall over the rest of your days. |
427 |
You are probably not over the age of twenty-five. You may even be under ten. |
428 |
One of your children is crushed to death by a humongous helmet on the day of their wedding. |
429 |
You have to talk some sense into this violent, impoverished stranger you met on a footbridge. |
430 |
You are being driven slowly but inexorably mad by a society determined to crush your spirit while smiling blandly. |
431 |
You don’t have any bad qualities at all, unlike some people. |
432 |
Is it just you, or is your young ward suddenly looking irresistible? |
433 |
A woman of ill repute has hidden herself in the rooms of a noted dandy. You have never heard of anything so shocking. |
434 |
You have never known one or both of your parents, but through a series of mishaps, at least one of them reappears. |
435 |
You’re loudly criticizing a dangerous man, and he respects you for it. |
436 |
You have perfectly floppy hair. |
437 |
Your celestial imperiousness, love, wrath, and fervor had are thrown away on your milksop of a husband. |
438 |
You regularly attend dinner parties where each guest tells one carefully crafted and eerily perfect short story. |
439 |
It is as old as the hills! Old, older, oldest! It is as old as the hills, and it has turned its eyes upon you! |
440 |
You realize that you have mistakenly agreed to marry a man who reminds you of a windowless drawing room. |
441 |
You are in love with your cousin. |
442 |
You dislike washing yourself, and dogs, and noise. |
443 |
Yours is a still and terrible fury that cannot possibly be tamed. |
444 |
You never bleed, the only time you did, the blood that fell from your wound arranged into the shape of your wife’s face. |
445 |
A close relative was horribly disfigured in a hunting accident. Everyone agrees she had it coming. |
446 |
You are being horrible to a blood relative. They drop dead. |
447 |
You discover you have a half-brother. You resent him for being stronger and healthier. |
448 |
Your husband was completely unsatisfactory. |
449 |
You have been recently aghast. |
450 |
You are a mother and, in a moment of despair, exclaim that you would die for your child. Society takes you up on the offer. |
451 |
The bees are buzzing in the garden, and something small and magical is rather indignant with you. |
452 |
A member of the aristocracy once condescended to give you some advice. |
453 |
You are plotting a “bed trick” with your waiting gentlewoman. |
454 |
You drink to forget. You’re so successful at it, you no longer remember what it is you wanted to forget in the first place. |
455 |
You have started a bloody multi-generational feud by stealing cheese. |
456 |
You have a mystical connection with nature that makes your horrible, undeserved death all the more tragic. |
457 |
Everything has been resolved in the bleakest way possible. Your only hope is that you will take this secret to the grave. |
458 |
You loved the house more than you ever loved him. You know that now, at the last. |
459 |
Literally ten hundred men are in love with you, so fresh and unused to the cynical methods of court. |
460 |
As a child, you found yourself in a near constant state of existential threat, often caused by your parents’ party guests. |
461 |
You are adept at recognizing handwriting. |
462 |
You have a love/hate relationship with a grotesquely malformed creature that you are repulsed by, but also pity. |
463 |
You are arranged to be married to someone sickly. |
464 |
An army captain has insulted you and so you will drink yourself to death to have revenge on him. |
465 |
You are a brilliant and high-spirited woman, and therefore you are doomed to a tragically early death. |
466 |
You have just been walking in the rain, and everyone who raised you is dead, and you are glad. |
467 |
You begin all adventures by donning your “going-out things.” |
468 |
Someone puts your most embarrassing secret into their novel as a fictional event. You are angry, but can never tell why. |
469 |
You enjoy composing cruel poems to make your sisters cry. |
470 |
A sweet, poor girl is desperately in love with you, and you neither appreciate nor deserve her. |
471 |
You could be cast as a background character in an Agatha Christie adaptation. |
472 |
You draw horrifying shipwrecks and lightning-ruined oak trees in your spare time. |
473 |
Your friends are a terrible influence. |
474 |
Orcs are chasing you, but this does not bother you nearly as much as the inadequate breakfast you had earlier today. |
475 |
Incriminating letters never seem to be right where you left them. |
476 |
It is easier for you to be attracted to people when their class is indistinguishable. |
477 |
A murder happens somewhere in your social circle. You carry on, more or less as you always have. |
478 |
You watch helplessly as your little sister falls into the arms of a wicked man. |
479 |
Your personal style can best be described as “librarian up to no good.” |
480 |
You give off an air of mysteriousness that men find enviable and women find irresistible. |
481 |
Literally the only “hiding place” that ever occurs to you is under the master’s bed. |
482 |
What appears to be politeness and common decency is fueled by lust. |
483 |
A simple misunderstanding in the afternoon leads to three untimely deaths in the evening. |
484 |
A dragon has ruined your life. |
485 |
Seriously you are obsessed with buns, they play a very big role in your life. |
486 |
You've discovered an old document. Most likely a journal, but possibly a map or letters written by a dead family member. |
487 |
You’re sad all the time, for no reason (the reason is later revealed to be Secret Gayness). |
488 |
All the women you know have died in childbirth. All the children you know are orphans. You are an orphan. |
489 |
You have trust issues, but not the kind where you don’t trust anyone. Instead, you trust everyone, and way too easily. |
490 |
An aging beauty of nearly thirty has pronounced you an original. |
491 |
Your grandson wants to live his own life and it is ALL YOUR FAULT. |
492 |
You explain metaphors at great length, yet your listeners still do not quite grasp them. |
493 |
You are either brusque and indifferent or overly affectionate to dogs. |
494 |
You appear extremely agitated. |
495 |
As the house burns down around you, your elderly father reflects that fostering his enemy’s son was probably a mistake. |
496 |
You are cold, and you are going to die. You find this faintly interesting. |
497 |
The love of your life is either your childhood sweetheart or a man you met fifteen seconds ago. |
498 |
As an infant, you were very nearly whisked away down a gutter while sitting in an umbrella during a rainstorm. |
499 |
You are a woman with graying hair and you still have a sex drive, though you’d never call it that. |
500 |
Your enemy is dead in the dust at your feet. Now you are finally free to respect him. |