1

Core Office Archetypes

Upward Failure

Fails impressively enough to keep getting promoted.

2-4

Core Office Archetypes

Burnout

Exists in a fog of overcommitment and invisible tears.

5-8

Core Office Archetypes

Professional Backstabber

Always smiles when they forward your emails to management.

9

Core Office Archetypes

Perpetual Reorganizee

Has had five titles this year and no idea what any of them mean.

10-11

Core Office Archetypes

Middle Manager Emeritus

Was promoted into irrelevance and now haunts weekly check-ins.

12

Corporate Weirdos & Chaos Agents

Deadline Necromancer

Brings dead projects back just to make others suffer.

13

Corporate Weirdos & Chaos Agents

Meeting Summoner

Can conjure a calendar invite from thin air—no survivors.

14

Corporate Weirdos & Chaos Agents

Quietly Unionizing

Smiles politely during check-ins; owns three burner phones.

15

Corporate Weirdos & Chaos Agents

Spare Keymaster

Has access to storage closets no one remembers assigning.

16

Corporate Weirdos & Chaos Agents

Mild-Mannered Threat Analyst

Once whispered someone into quitting.

17

Corporate Weirdos & Chaos Agents

Definitely Not Sleeping

Has mastered the upright nap beneath fluorescent light.

18

Corporate Weirdos & Chaos Agents

Slide Deck Trickster

Changes one bullet point per hour to see if anyone notices.

19

Corporate Weirdos & Chaos Agents

Policy Interpreter

Translates HR language into riddles and vice versa.

20

C-Suite & Managerial Entities

Vision Caster

Speaks only in metaphors and Q4 buzzwords.

21

C-Suite & Managerial Entities

Decision Cloud

Says “let’s circle back” until you quit or die.

22-23

C-Suite & Managerial Entities

Executive Ghost

Technically employed. Never seen. Gets bonuses.

24-25

C-Suite & Managerial Entities

Pre-Crisis Optimist

Denies the building is on fire until the Zoom call ends.

26

IT & Tech Gremlins

Access Denied Guru

Always says “You shouldn’t have permissions for that.”

27-28

IT & Tech Gremlins

Legacy System Whisperer

Only person who can reboot the ancient payroll daemon.

29

IT & Tech Gremlins

Print Queue Alchemist

Makes your document appear… eventually.

30

IT & Tech Gremlins

Dark Mode Evangelist

Speaks only in keyboard shortcuts and hushed tones.

31

IT & Tech Gremlins

Bug Cultist

Claims the glitch is a feature if you stare hard enough.

32

Administrative & Support Lifeforms

Desk Nomad

Occupies a different workstation every day; HR cannot track them.

33

Administrative & Support Lifeforms

No-Reply All Star

Emails entire departments and disables responses.

34

Administrative & Support Lifeforms

Calendar Gatekeeper

You will not speak to the VP. Not this week. Not ever.

35

Administrative & Support Lifeforms

Reception Oracle

Knows who’s getting laid off three weeks before it’s official.

36

Administrative & Support Lifeforms

Breakroom Sheriff

Tracks fridge violations with laminated printouts.

37

Administrative & Support Lifeforms

Chair Adjuster

Will fix yours unprompted. You will regret it.

38-39

Breakroom Cryptids & Social Wildcards

LinkedIn Influencer

Reposts leadership quotes like it’s a religion.

40

Breakroom Cryptids & Social Wildcards

Open Office Whisperer

Speaks at half-volume but you still know everything about their divorce.

41

Breakroom Cryptids & Social Wildcards

Tupperware Evangelist

Will corner you to discuss airtight containers.

42

Breakroom Cryptids & Social Wildcards

Microwave Philosopher

Only speaks while waiting for food to spin.

43

Breakroom Cryptids & Social Wildcards

Snack Cart Shadow

Never seen pushing it. Always seen taking from it.

44

Obsolete But Still There

Fax Wizard

The machine only works when they touch it. No one knows why.

45

Obsolete But Still There

Office Archivist

Has a file on everyone and a drawer full of floppy disks.

46-47

Obsolete But Still There

Bulletin Board Prophet

Leaves cryptic Post-its. Predicts budget cuts.

48

Obsolete But Still There

Windows XP Whisperer

Refuses to upgrade and somehow still gets results.

49-52

Obsolete But Still There

Desk Phone Devotee

Only takes calls on the landline. It's always ringing.

53-54

Intern Types

The Vanishing Intern

Appeared on Monday. No one has seen them since.

55-56

Intern Types

The Academic Intern

Collecting “real-world experience” for a degree they already regret.

57-58

Intern Types

The Overconfident Intern

Explains the company’s business model to the CEO.

59-60

Intern Types

The Wide-Eyed Intern

Thinks every meeting is magic and every calendar invite is sacred.

61-65

Intern Types

The Chronic Oversharer

Tells you their entire life story by the second coffee.

66

Intern Types

The Spreadsheet Intern

Has eight color-coded tabs and names like “FINALFINALv4.”

67

Intern Types

The Slide Intern

Their entire job is PowerPoint. They are now a PowerPoint.

68

Intern Types

The Clickbait Intern

Writes internal blog titles like “You’ll Never Believe What Finance Did.”

69-70

Intern Types

The Automation Intern

Created a script to do their job. It now does yours too.

71

Intern Types

The Intern Whisperer

An intern who leads other interns. A terrifying sign.

72

Intern Types

The Intern King

Rules the summer cohort with a velvet fist and a Slack channel.

73

Intern Types

The Final Intern

Has interned here for seven years. No one can fire them.

74-75

Intern Types

The Post-Intern

Was hired months ago but still acts like they’re unpaid and replaceable.

76

Intern to Executive Ladder

The Competent Intern

Actually useful. Management begins fearing their competence.

77-79

Intern to Executive Ladder

The Self-Aware Intern

Realizes they’re doing real work without real pay.

80

Intern to Executive Ladder

The Middle Manager

Knows they’re replaceable. Ensures others are too.

81-82

Intern to Executive Ladder

The Director (of Vibes)

Title implies power. Reality implies PowerPoints.

83

Intern to Executive Ladder

The C-Suite Entity

Transcended direct action. Thinks in mergers.

84

Intern to Executive Ladder

The Boardroom Demiurge

No longer mortal. Appears quarterly in cryptic form.

85

More Core Office Archetypes

The Efficiency Illusionist

Always looks busy. Does nothing measurable.

86

More Core Office Archetypes

The Feedback Collector

Gathers opinions but implements none.

87

More Core Office Archetypes

The Meeting Echo

Only speaks to agree with whoever just spoke.

88

More Core Office Archetypes

The “Culture Fit”

Survives entirely through likability and aggressive neutrality.

89

More Core Office Archetypes

The Title Inflator

Job title includes four nouns and zero responsibilities.

90-93

More Core Office Archetypes

The Impostor Expert

Expert in whatever today’s project needs. For now.

94-95

More Core Office Archetypes

The Overcommunicator

CCs everyone. Always. For everything.

96-97

More Core Office Archetypes

The “I’m Just Happy to Be Here”

Been here ten years. Still no desk.

98

More Core Office Archetypes

The Workflow Evangelist

Invents new systems. Immediately abandons them.

99-100

More Core Office Archetypes

The Mood Reader

Adjusts their vibe to match whoever walks in. Terrifyingly effective.

101

More Core Office Archetypes

The Loyal Cynic

Hates the company. Will defend it to the death.

102-103

More Core Office Archetypes

The Nice One

Universally liked. No one knows what they actually do.

104

More Core Office Archetypes

The Watercooler Anchor

Hasn’t moved in hours. Knows everything.

105

More Core Office Archetypes

The Policy Romantic

Believes HR is a benevolent force. Isn’t joking.

106

More Core Office Archetypes

The Deadline Shifter

Reschedules deliverables like it’s a sacred ritual.

107-108

More Core Office Archetypes

The Clipboard Commander

Carries authority and a clipboard. Nothing else.

109

More Core Office Archetypes

The Passive Scheduler

“Just throwing some time on the calendar.” Always does.

110

More Core Office Archetypes

The Freeze Frame

Their webcam is off. Their soul is too.

111

More Core Office Archetypes

The Redundant Reply Guy

Just wanted to say “Thanks.” In every thread. Always.

112

More Core Office Archetypes

The Office DJ

Controls the vibe with Bluetooth and no consent.

113

More Core Office Archetypes

The Micro-Delegate

Assigns sub-tasks within sub-tasks. You now manage your own manager.

114

More Core Office Archetypes

The Email Archaeologist

Digs up a month-old chain to prove you wrong.

115

More Core Office Archetypes

The Offsite Enthusiast

Thinks trust falls can heal burnout.

116

More Core Office Archetypes

The Motivational Poster Personified

Lives by “teamwork makes the dream work” and means it.

117-118

More Core Office Archetypes

The Snack Opportunist

Appears whenever free food is mentioned. Doesn’t even work here.

119-120

Less Annoying / Wholesome Office Archetypes

The Calendar Whisperer

Schedules meetings that actually make sense.

121

Less Annoying / Wholesome Office Archetypes

The PowerPoint Healer

Fixes your slides without judgment.

122

Less Annoying / Wholesome Office Archetypes

The Snack Sharer

Always has granola bars and is weirdly generous with them.

123

Less Annoying / Wholesome Office Archetypes

The Mild Mentor

Offers career advice only when asked. It's always spot-on.

124

Less Annoying / Wholesome Office Archetypes

The Chill Check-In

Sends a “how’s your week?” message and genuinely means it.

125

Less Annoying / Wholesome Office Archetypes

The Office Ghostwriter

Helps others sound smarter in emails without taking credit.

126

Less Annoying / Wholesome Office Archetypes

The Silent Defender

Speaks up in meetings only when someone else is being steamrolled.

127

Less Annoying / Wholesome Office Archetypes

The Spreadsheet Paladin

Brings order to chaos and never brags about it.

128

Less Annoying / Wholesome Office Archetypes

The Comfortable Dresser

Somehow always cozy without violating the dress code.

129

Less Annoying / Wholesome Office Archetypes

The Good Vibes Technician

Knows how to fix the printer and tension in the room.

130

Less Annoying / Wholesome Office Archetypes

The Polite Extrovert

Friendly without being clingy. A rare and valuable resource.

131-133

Less Annoying / Wholesome Office Archetypes

The Birthday Rememberer

Knows everyone’s special day but doesn’t make it weird.

134-136

Team Glue Office Archetypes

The Email Translator

Rewrites confusing messages into something humans can understand.

137-139

Team Glue Office Archetypes

The Trusted Listener

Not a therapist. Acts like one anyway.

140

Team Glue Office Archetypes

The Post-Meeting Decompressor

Follows up with “What just happened?” chats that keep the team sane.

141

Team Glue Office Archetypes

The Soft Ping

Sends gentle reminders that somehow don't feel passive-aggressive.

142

Team Glue Office Archetypes

The Rookie Wrangler

Guides new hires through chaos like a seasoned NPC with good gear.

143-145

Team Glue Office Archetypes

The Team Historian

Remembers why that system was put in place and why it shouldn’t be messed with.

146-147

Team Glue Office Archetypes

The Conflict Defuser

Can redirect a passive-aggressive thread with a single well-placed emoji.

148-150

Team Glue Office Archetypes

The Hype Underdog

Notices when you do a good job and tells others. Quietly builds morale without slogans.