1

Sorry, I can't come.

At a gloryhole convention, I saw

my nephew dressed as a tiny Trump

projectile vomiting on a priest who was preaching about hand sanitizer.

The resulting biohazard zone was immense.

I burned my clothes, and possibly my memories, afterward.

2

Forgive my absence.

Outside a truck stop bathroom, I encountered

the ghost of Hitler,

who, while wearing a Borat mankini, gave me a reach-around and tried to sell me Amway.

I questioned reality after that.

A shower, a lawyer, and an exorcist seemed necessary.

3

This is going to sound crazy, but...

In a Vatican City confessional booth,

the Pope

snorted communion wafers, wore a MAGA hat, and tried to baptize me with a urine-filled Super Soaker.

I believe I'm now excommunicated.

I also suspect I have a bladder infection.

4

Get this:

At my proctologist's office,

my ex,

now identifying as a sentient dildo, demanded I insert them while screaming about unfinished business.

The live audience was captivated.

The doctor offered color commentary like a sportscaster.

5

I can't go because...

During a donkey show in Tijuana,

a high school marching band

played an erotic kazoo rendition of "Flight of the Bumblebee" and gave everyone crabs.

Mass hysteria ensued.

I'm itchy, traumatized, and making questionable life choices.

6

I know you'll think I'm lying, but...

At a gas station bathroom,

Dan Rather,

dressed as a sexy Ronald McDonald, tried to pee in my gas tank and screamed about fake news.

I was completely stranded by this.

The world is apparently run by deranged fast-food mascots.

7

I was minding my own business, then BAM!

Inside a furry convention,

a sad clown

juggled used tampons, sobbed uncontrollably, and stabbed people with a rusty spork.

Bloody, fuzzy chaos erupted.

I require therapy, a lawyer, and possibly a priest.

8

I feel terrible, but...

In a sperm bank,

the kid from Air Bud,

now a jacked-up dog-fighting promoter with a foot fetish, demanded I "service" his poodle.

Blackmail was his chosen tactic.

I'm considering a new career, far away from bodily fluids and child stars.

9

I regretfully cannot attend.

At a competitive laxative eating contest,

a professional cricket team,

riding miniature ponies and dressed as sexy leprechauns, stole my pants and dignity.

Public indecency became widespread.

I'm hiding in a dumpster, plotting elaborate revenge.

10

This is going to sound fictional, but...

On a Tinder date at a public toilet,

my Tinder date

revealed themselves as a constipated walrus impersonator and posted my nudes on 4chan.

My life was effectively ruined.

I deleted social media and moved to a remote cabin.

11

I'm stuck, can't make it.

In a sex shop,

a group of Karens

demanded to speak to the manager about dildo sizes and used me as a comparison model.

Public humiliation was the result.

I'm considering a full-body makeover and a legal name change.

12

This is awkward, but I'm out.

At a black metal concert,

a very inebriated Lemmy Kilmister,

back from the grave, licked faces and tried to recruit a zombie biker gang.

Forced membership or a bite were the choices.

I'm undead and addicted to cheap whiskey, apparently.

13

I'm so sorry, but I've shat myself.

Trapped in a porta-potty at a chili cook-off,

a flash mob of sentient turds

chanted "One of us!" and tried to assimilate me.

My reality was questioned.

Deprogramming may be necessary.

14

There's been a disaster.

Outside a Planned Parenthood clinic,

Bigfoot

argued with anti-abortion protesters about his right to choose and threw pubic hair.

Public disturbance was created.

I'm probably going to be on the news, unfortunately.

15

You won't believe this, but I'm screwed.

In line at a colonoscopy clinic,

an escaped, sentient colon

screamed about the "darkness within" and attacked the nurses.

A medical emergency occurred.

I fled the scene, and possibly the country, immediately.

16

I'm deeply sorry, but I'm indisposed.

In a public restroom,

the ghost of Richard Nixon

tried to flush his sins down the toilet, wearing only a flag, and demanded I destroy evidence.

I became an accomplice.

A spectral cover-up is now my burden.

17

I hate to do this, but my ass is on fire.

In a library,

a group of dominatrix librarians

had a shushing contest involving whips, chains, and overdue books.

Accidental eye contact was my downfall.

I'm tied up, forced to read the Dewey Decimal System aloud.

18

I'm filled with regret.

At a taxidermist's shop,

a stuffed squirrel

came back to life and held me hostage with a tiny, sharp acorn knife.

Revenge for its death was demanded.

I'm negotiating with offers of nuts and birdseed.

19

Apologies, but I'm unavailable.

In a corn maze,

a sentient, alcoholic scarecrow

offered me swigs of moonshine and rambled about the meaninglessness of life.

An existential crisis ensued.

I'm lost, drunk, and questioning my purpose.

20

I'm truly, deeply sorry.

In a porta-potty at a music festival,

a swarm of shit-covered bees

mistook me for their queen.

I became their new leader.

I'm now "Queen Bee-yotch of the Sh*t Hive," covered in excrement, honey, and stings.

21

I am so sorry.

At a wet t-shirt contest, I saw

a giant talking breast

demanding equal rights and suing everyone for objectification.

The contest was put on hold.

The crowd booed me, blaming me for summoning the tit.

22

My sincerest apologies.

At an orgy, I witnessed

a gerbil in a gimp mask

biting penises.

Widespread panic and injury followed.

I narrowly avoided castration, but remain traumatized.

23

I must decline.

Inside a human-sized hamster ball, I found

a hoard of rabid hamsters

attacking me with toothpicks.

The ball became a death trap.

I rolled around screaming, awaiting a quick end.

24

I'm so sorry.

On top of Mount Rushmore, I encountered

Abraham Lincoln's head,

which came to life, lectured me about freedom, and spat.

A very awkward historical moment unfolded.

The Park Service detained me for desecrating a monument.

25

Oh god, I'm so sorry.

Inside of a ball pit, I discovered

a colony of crabs from the ocean

nesting on my genitals.

I became a walking biohazard.

The CDC quarantined me.

26

I have explosive diarrhea.

At Sea World, I observed

a whale with diarrhea

breaching and spraying the entire park with its excrement.

A disgusting spectacle was created.

I'm covered in whale shit and rethinking my career.

27

I am covered head to toe, in semen.

At a bukkake film set, I met

the lead actor,

who took his role too seriously and mistook me for a prop.

I was left traumatized and sticky.

I need a hazmat shower and a strong drink, immediately.

28

My ass is full of bees.

At an apiary, I experienced

a swarm of bees

attracted to my farts, stinging every orifice.

Excruciating pain and swelling resulted.

I'm being treated for anaphylactic shock and a bruised ego.

29

I am in a state of undress.

Inside a nudist colony, I was approached by

a very hairy man,

who mistook me for a Wookiee and rode me like a tauntaun.

Severe chafing and humiliation occurred.

I'm applying for a job as a clothing model, desperately.

30

I am currently stuck to a stripper pole.

Inside a strip club, I met

a stripper covered in super glue,

who accidentally adhered me to the pole.

I was charged by the hour.

I'm losing money and dignity rapidly.

31

I have jizz everywhere.

Inside a bukkake tent at a donkey show,

a donkey

gave me an unwanted facial.

My life choices were questioned.

I may never recover from this traumatic experience.

32

I appear to be turning into a furry.

In my bedroom, I discovered

my fursuit,

which fused to my skin.

Permanent residence in the uncanny valley was established.

I'm craving kibble and barking at the mailman.

33

I've been kidnapped by clowns.

Inside a circus tent, I was captured by

a group of humorless clowns

forcing me to watch them juggle chainsaws.

My limbs were threatened.

I'm developing severe coulrophobia.

34

I superglued my hand to my...

In my bathroom, I attempted

manscaping,

which resulted in my genitals being fused to my palm.

A medical emergency ensued.

I'm heading to the ER with my hand stuck to my crotch.

35

I appear to be pregnant.

At an alien convention, I encountered

an alien,

who impregnated me.

An interspecies pregnancy scare began.

I'm being studied by doctors and ufologists alike.

36

I am covered in blood.

On the set of a horror movie, I met

the star of the film,

who took the role too seriously and chased me with a real axe.

The set became a real-life slasher flick.

I'm running for my life and questioning my career.

37

I got into a fight with a hobo and lost.

Underneath a bridge, I encountered

a surprisingly strong hobo,

who stole my clothes and mocked my nakedness.

I was left cold, ashamed, and homeless.

I'm considering joining his ranks, ironically.

38

I have sharted.

In line at the DMV, I experienced

the stress of the DMV,

which caused me to shart.

Public humiliation occurred.

My shame was palpable and visible.

39

This is going to sound like Teeth, but...

In my bedroom, I discovered

my vagina,

which had grown teeth and bitten off my boyfriend's penis.

A trip to the hospital was required.

He's understandably traumatized, and I'm horrified.

40

I am unable to make it because...

In the middle of Times Square, I encountered

a street performer covered in gold body paint,

who glued himself to me.

We became a living statue.

He's surprisingly committed to the bit, and I'm stuck.