1

Ram Totem - Radical Noise Poet

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Wiry, tall-haired young man with cheap metal prosthetic leg and arm down his left side. Lost both limbs in a revolution, and now spits the controversial view of suggesting we all just accept things the way they are. Yells his muddled poetry in youth hotspots, usually getting heckled in return.

2

(Unnamed character #1)

Wealthy piano protegee turned greed-filled banker. Does charity work to soothe her conscience.

3

(Unnamed character #2)

Ogre of a man, sells tiny metal sculptures. Deeply believes humanity is awful, and we should let aliens rule us.

4

(Unnamed character #3)

Lovely old former teacher turned soldier for the Human Union. A font of pub-quiz knowledge.

5

Juveline Chain-Gang

STR 15, 5HP, Hidden Lockpicks and Daggers (d6).

• Cry pathetically as a diversion so that one of the four can escape.

• Shout about being wrongfully imprisoned.

• Do anything in exchange for gum.

6

Mock Badger Academic

STR 16, 3HP. Badger Head, Big Club (d8, 2h).

• Explain his theory for having a cull of 50% of the human population of Bastion.

• If you use a fallacy, he'll calmly explain what you did wrong.

• If you use a second fallacy, he clubs and tears at you.

7

Wormgirls

CHA 15, 4HP. Filthy Rags, Perfect Hair and Makeup.

• Take turns pretending to lie in state, while the others weep our eulogies.

• Apply more make-up to appear corpse-like, but still conventionally attractive.

• Swoon at any stories involving corpses.

8

Giant Bagman

STR 18, 2HP. Huge Bags.

• Offer to carry anything that will fit in his sack for a Shilling per turn on the journey.

• Offer to sell the contents of a bag he forgot the destination of.

• Offer to bag up somebody you hate and kick them about (but not to death) for 30s.

9

Rad-Rat Preacher

CHA 15, 3HP. Tie-Dyed Suit, Glowing Rod.

• Bellow about a Glowing Rat Swarm that's coming soon to sweep over Bastion.

• If questioned, explain that he knows it's not true but he's preparing for a play.

• If questioned about the play, explain that it really is true after all. Repeat as necessary.

10

Fox Team for Hire

CHA 4, 6HP. Snub-Muskets (d6, 2h), Black Uniforms and Masks.

• Offer to carry out legal security work for 50s a night, but they will keep on haggling for more benefits and more money until you lose patience with them.

• If you leave they finally cave and go back to the last agreed offer.

• If you try to leave without making a deal they'll hunt you down tonight.

11

Bonehead (and Acoloytes)

CHA 16, 5HP. Skull for a Head, Sharp Suit. Acolytes (1dp) have painted skull faces and less impressive suits.

• Perform skull-throwing tricks to try and lure in more acoyltes, promising to make them into Boneheads too.

• Regrow from any physical harm, as long as the skull remains.

• Deliberately antagonise people and then play the victim.

12

Lighter Cats

DEX 17, 3HP. Grapples and Ropes, Flare Gun (d6), Luxurious Moustaches.

• Perform actobatic tricks as they swing from one gaslamp to another, firing flares to light them.

• Put out a bucket to collect money since their funding was cut.

• Fire Flareguns at any Mockeries they see, who they inexplicably hate.

13

Investigative Crone

CHA 16, 2HP. Portable Tea Set, Magnifying Glass.

• Calmly describe a horrible murder to you.

• Keep asking you questions that might implicate you in the murder.

• With a shred of perceived proof, she'll run to the authorities.

14

Mockodile

STR 18, 10HP. Jaws (d10), Metal Hide (Armour 2).

• Peer out from manhole covers, singing the Snap-Snap Song.

• Try to eat any children that come nearby.

• Has no objection to adults, and will guide you through the Underground if you lure a child to him.

15

Iron Sally Fanatics

CHA 5, 2HP. Iron Sally Doll and Accessories. Waistcoats with Iron Sally designs.

• Discuss why the original Iron Sally doll was the best design.

• Discuss why the new Iron Sally doll is the best design.

• Discuss why their families just don't understand Iron Sally.

16

Country Dogburglar

DEX 7, 7HP. Crowbar (d6), Loot Sack, Head-Covering Sack with one eye hole.

• Loudly announce himself as a burglar.

• Try to kill any nearby cats, as they're bad luck for dogburglars.

• Kick in a door and try to rob a place loudly.

17

Mr Ears - Mock Mammoth Bartender

STR 18, DEX 5, CHA 18, 5hp, Massive Furry Body (Armour 3, bypassed by Fire), Wooden Tusks (d8), Threadbare Suit, Warm Fuzzy Voice.

• Runs the bar at the Apocryphal Specimen Museum containing the remains of animals that probably didn't ever exist.
• Offers to cradle you in his trunk while you pour your heart out to him (two drink minimum). An hour of doing this restores your CHA but Mr Ears knows your secrets now.
• Knows every drink recipe but has a super clumsy trunk, so requires a DEX Save to avoid spilling even the most basic thing. Is utterly ashamed when he spills something.

18

Unbastiard

3hp, Back-Scratcher (d6), Soft Clean Clothes.

You'll read that the Unbastiards aren't here, but do not let your guard down. If the new family on your street have suspiciously spotless skin, smooth pale features, or a lackadaisical attitude to paperwork, send their name and address to this publication for investigation.  
- Indulge in arts and leisure activities.
- Expect to be able to share anyone's possessions.
- Act impulsively without filing the proper paperwork.